Emotional
Been very emotional lately.From upswing to downswing;I don't even know watz happening.Should do justice,I wanna explain.
Yesterday,I played the piano for my ladyboss.While I was playing and entertaining,I realize how good it feels to be able to cheer someone up.I'm not a good performer,but it's not an exam anyway.Ppl just wanna hear music..and I was able to provide some smiles.
Explain: Ladyboss has cancer,undergoing treatment,staying in a 'home' (but her sister owns it).I know how much this means to boss.Boss's birthday was yesterday,too.So,playing not only for her,for everyone,boss,for all the old lonely folks there who crowds around to enjoy music. Sometimes,I just don't know how to describe what has been happening.
My role as a person seems more obvious-I'm an entertainer, I'm here to cheer and encourage,I'm here to inspire, I'm here to be a service to others.I'm here to help.I want to live life as a bodhisattva.This is my aspiration.
But it also saddens me when this is taken as an advantage by others.It pressures me when I am not able to provide,at the same time,juggle with my own personal stuff.'Songie-PRIORITISE!that's what ppl will tell me'.But,sometimes,I don't want to prioritise??
Explain:My essay is due tomorrow.(Plus 2 mini essays and here I am,blogging!lol!)
My student has her assignment due on Wed and I was trying to coach her these days in the evenings and we ended at 12am yesterday.Finally,I was able to say 'no,I cannot help you this time'.
My friend is here from Msia and wants to meet up today in the city.I did,reluctantly.Prioritise, you say??How can I say no?(But again,how can I say yes?!)
I will be going for camp tomorrow until sunday.(The PO camp,for the disabled-this round,I'm in charge of 2gals!)Mid this,I was invited to play for my boss's birthday this sunday-to encourage ladyboss to sing.But, I cannot?Prioritise you say?Which is more important?The verysickladyboss or 2gals whom I have committed myself to care the weekend?It's hard-I cannot decide.
In the midst of this,I also want to stay home to give encouragement and support for my housemate who will be sitting for his exam tomorrow(and next whole week) and am not able to do this because I have other obligations.I am seldom home,even if I am,have my student around,when I hope,the very least I can do is, help in terms of 'dinner cooking' shedule to relief the burden worrying what to eat,but failed.
This is why I have been in an emotional turmoil.Midst of playing,I worry about my own essay,my student's assignment,my job hunt.
I cannot be there for EVERYONE (including myself) all at the same time.(when I want to).I'm not Kuan Yin.But I want to be as compassionate as her.
This is why I get confused.
Tell me to drop everything and just concentrate on my essay?Never.
Please don't advice me on what to do or how to work this out else I won't type anything like this anymore.
I just want to explain why I am the way I am and my life this week.
The Juggler.The unfocused.The balancer-libra?
posted by Songie @ 7:00 PM
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