Friday, November 26, 2004



Those who ride the waves of change well,surpasses one of the greatest challenges in life.Those who cannot,drowns and helplessly try to stay afloat.

I pray that I am able to have enough strength to live on through life,flexible to change and not attached to the idea of 'forever'.May I constantly remind myself to feel grateful to be able to breathe today,here and now, little blessings of the day like the way I'm feeling now.

May I grow wiser by the moment,not an empty old vessel who utters senseless conversation and hurtful comments.May I learn to forgive & let go and not hold on to the past as strongly as I do to the future.Let the morning come,let the night go.Let me constantly seek to improve myself in anyway possible.

I hope for more opportunities to share and inspire.I seek to help,assist,comfort and console wherever and whenever I am able to.May my students find some use from whatever little I can offer and when I can no longer do so,may they find someone far better than me in many other ways.

May my friends be able to take care of themselves independently.May they not forget each other's kindness and happiness together and continue to care and guide one another.(lol,may they sometimes think of me too!hehe.)I hope whatever route these friends of mine are taking,let there be some assistance during difficult times,and some celebrations on small or big wins,doesn't matter.Most importantly,I hope my friends learn to like living their own lives the way it is and not anyone else's and also remind myself to do the same.

I hope my family members are safe when they go out.I hope we don't worry too much for one another or take little things for granted as I always do.Ah,I pray I think of my family more often sometimes.I also hope we all work together in keeping the house clean!!I pray we don't miss one another too much when we're far apart now and in future.

This life I call mine ..let it be fruitful.

Thursday, November 25, 2004


Too much work at work,got confused and so,decided to come back home a little earlier.Class cancelled coz student is having her final year exam,SPM so I'm a bit free.
Went for a jog and then have a chat with dad.
From chatting to dancing to music classes to discussion on history of music evolution.
The chat lasted for almost 3+ hrs.I have this book I borrowed from a colleague and am still contemplating on whether I should purchase it or not.It's RM60.Still think it's expensive.Entitled "Music Appreciation".I like the pictures and the explanations-from the Middle Ages right up to contemporary music,jazz,blues,ragtime,etc.Showed that to dad and there goes...on and on and on. :)

hehe.It's a good book and if I'm hardworking,I ought to read that book page by page.I'm not hardworking enough to gulp down the whole book.I just see pictures.hahah!That's part of the reason I'm a bit reluctant to purchase the book.

Okay.I need sleep.I'm gonna browse around before I go.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Just thought I should blog something.If I keep on staring at the monitor hesitating whether to type or not,I will never do so.Probably it's the consciousness that ppl are reading....and it irks me not to be able to know how many are reading this and yet,at the same time,no comments.It's pretty contradicting.

What the heck,I don't care.I should not care.

Watched 'Puteri Gunung Ledang' at home.MY bought the VCD(ahem,it's!)and we watched the show.Comment?Nice.I think it's a new idea.Fresh new idea."Internationalizing a malay epic".Good!Hang Tuah=M.Nasir?Mmm...he looks better with the "songkok"'s not called songkok I know..but I don't know what's the correct word for it.Sophia Jane is so ....fair skinned!Anyway,good movie.Draggy a little...and sometimes,I just don't catch the words....shows how much I have forgotten/remembered my Bahasa Istana & BM.

Today,had the car fixed.Dad accompanied me.Was quite upset with the foreman.Don't feel like explaining.

Let's just say I need to learn : 1) Computer & how it works 2)Cars & engines
3)Mandarin & Dialects 4)Dancing ^-^ ^-^ 5)mm..maybe,learn to 'enjoy' life a little?

There's just so much to learn and know.I need more than a lifetime.LOLLLL!!

Yea Charissa.....line dancing.... I know....don't stand beside me when I dance may feel the vibrations of the floor.Hhahahah...

Okay,I'm sleepy now.Still more work tomorrow.I have SOOOO many things to do today...2 managers passing me work at the same time?!But I'm still sane.So,it's okay coz I kinda like the work they're passing to me ....manageable.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Line Dance


Dream came true....I'm finally starting line dance.Yesterday,first day.Not bad. :)
Will do this until I get too busy and have to quit it.

But so far,..yayy..enjoying it.

I have been saying this for 2 yrs now.Mom says 'finally!!!' hehe.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Camp Feedback2

Am feeling quite bored now,got nothing to do actually.Thought of writing stuffs here.
Bored.Imagine that!LOL!For today,I don't have to worry about work.For today,I don't have to worry about teaching.I don't have to worry about studying.....what a nice break before I start back to work!!!I'm ready to go through the whole work,teach & study cycle this wed for the next,I think!:)


The difference between Theravadan Buddhism and Mahayanese Buddhism is somewhat merged this time round.Good.We live the lifestyle of the Mahayanese practice and learn in the Pali text-Theravadan.(oh,yea,once,in the chinese text too.)But actually,different yet the same anyway.Ah,doesn't matter.

I was initially pressured with the eating sessions.I think everyone felt a little bit pressured.It was just the degree of pressure that varied.I really felt like a nun!hehe.Sit upright!Sit half of chair,not full chair!back straight!hand hold bowl!eye look at food!no noise!finish everything!be grateful!Left bowl to right side,right bowl to left side,chopsticks don't put on bowl,etc etc........lectures on and on and on and on from sifu(monastery nun). :) After a while,it's not so bad.In fact,it's the discipline that I miss now,too!

What else?mm.

I missed the novitiate program by FGS that I initially wanted to participate early this year.What was the reason?Mixture of work commitment,unable to apply for leave,and probably worried and wasn't ready for the Mahayanese approach and nunnery?I'm not sure.
At least,now,I understand what it takes to be living in their 'world'.Wake up at 4.30 am for chanting!!!Difficult to do,especially for a pigpig like me.....who adores sleep!haha!

FGS. :) The kitchen reminds me of FGS in Melbourne where I proudly say that I was once a part-time dishwasher over there! :)

I think Malaysians are pretty creative.I shouldn't say much for the rest of the population...but,I think I heard this comment from a friend.(Ginni).And,I think I agree so,too.

Ah,this time round,the IXP on the last night really reached out.I have to be honest,some camps,the IXPs,I didn't feel much.This time round,yea....effective.We have really great actors and actresses from the committee.:) The storyline is good.I'm not surprised that the idea came from Alex.

Ah,get to tie closer bonds with KP too!We're both facilitator of the same group in this camp.We both have been committees from a camp we used to organise way back when we were 17-19?I still love KCBA gang.We organise camps for one another..ahahha..if you organize one,I be the participant..and if I organize camp,you be the participant.hahah!!!Good practice too.This way,we stay creative and take one another as guinea pigs.^-^ Good way to train up skills as well.

All in all,I think this "internationalizing" of Incovar hits a great start.I even foresee myself going to Thailand for more camps in future.But,still so far,'internationalizing' anything.....well,I haven't seen any organizing activities I have participated go beyond WW9.That is,so far,still the best thing I've ever gotten involved in. :) hehe.

Okay,gtg.End comment.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Camp Feedback

Just arrived home,took a bath and thought I should write something before I do something else.Oh....just remembered "Selamat Hari Raya & Happy Deepavali to all!!!" Selamat Hari Raya to Fadz,Lini,Iman,MGSgang,Zahoor,Yamaha colleagues,office colleagues,etc etc..cannot remember all."Happy Deepavali" to Barathi,Big Brother Ginni,Teacher/GodMom-MrsSivarajah..etc,etc...I cannot remember anything now.

So tired.Wrote an email just now and all my thoughts on camp have already disappeared after that.But,ah,I gotta write that email.Mm.
Camp was..ah,it's not really unexpected anyway.Obviously it was good.This time,the twist is,that,we have Thai participants.And,definitely many ppl watching the whole event.Feels like we're so 'on tv'....reality show.hhaha.

Another Incovar came and gone.Change is about to happen again. :)

As for this camp,I'm glad yet at the same time not really glad.Glad because,yay,get to be facilitator-and it's like my access card to do anything without restriction.Not glad because I know that I could have contributed much much more than what I have done.Quite sorry to the committees for not being a committee..but I don't think I can juggle that much nowadays.

Being a facilitator has its perks.I can be 'in control' whenever I'm assigned to.I can 'hide behind the shadows' whenever I feel comfortable.And,also,I can do the thing I like most-being somewhat a participant,a friend,a buddy,counsellor.Most importantly,I GET TO LISTEN TO THE TALKS!!!yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... selfish me for not taking larger roles of sacrificing all these near and dear to me, for the greater cause-to organize the whole thing,go through all the mess,emotional turmoil,frustration,dissatisfaction,etc, with the committees. ^-^ But,I really needed this.I need a break from organizing and feel the fruits of camp.hehe.

Mm..what do I say about the Thais who came?Mm..there's nothing much to say,actually.They're human,too.Oh yea.I learnt something from them.The respect they have example,the buddha image,or speakers,or someone 'more in control' really admirable.The difference between putting your palms together and saying thank you or whatever with that kind of respect is so much more meaningful than 'doing for the sake of doing' as what we normally do.Ah!found the word "sincerity". That level of sincerity... :) :)

What else? mm .I'm glad I went for camp...and yknow what,it just so happens that I get the public holiday,compulsory leave from work,school term holiday(which means I don't have to teach)and ...when all added together...I GET 4 DAYS FULL CAMP plus 2 days bonus to sleep in & recuperate.WOW.

Recharged myself to go through work cycle again.
I'm reading this blog and I go saying so sorry for not being a committee....but who knows,in actual fact,the committees are thinking GOOD RIDDANCE...UU...UU....insignificant thing!LOL!! hehe.

OHHH...I get to Dana in so many ways.^_^ In between,realized how much I have changed.

Okayy..STOP HERE!! I'm so tired.Need sleep.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Something to think about

A 15-YEAR-OLD Singaporean, competing against 16- to
18-year-olds, has won the top prize in a writing contest that drew
5,300 entries from 52 countries. In the annual Commonwealth Essay
Competition, AmandaChong of Raffles Girls' School
(Secondary/highschool)chose to compete in the older category and won
with apiece on the>restlessness of modern life.Her short story, titled
What The Modern Woman Wants, focused on the conflicting values between
an old lady and her independent-minded daughter.Through my story, I
attempted to convey the uniqueEast-versus-West struggles and
generation gaps that I felt were characteristic of young people in
mycountry,' said Amanda, who likes drama, history and literature and
wants to become a lawyer and a politician. Chief examiner Charles Kemp
called her piece a 'powerfully moving and ironical critique of modern
restlessness and its potentially cruel consequences'. The writing is
fluent and assured, with excellent use of dialogue.

>Amanda gets (S$1,590). A Singaporean last won the top
prize in 2000,
>said Britain's Royal Commonwealth Society, which has
been organising
>the competition since 1883. Singaporeans also came in
second in the
>14- to 15-year-old category, and fourth in the
>winners included students from Australia, Canada and
South Africa.


What the Modern Woman Wants By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the back seat of the magenta
convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the
plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She
was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seat
belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats
with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it,
'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on
her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could
barely understand.'Finance' 'Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'...
Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it.
Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on
television. She was speaking in an American accent.

The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval. 'I
absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed
agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured
fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.
'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she
clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the back seat.The
mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly
into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence
and switching to Mandarin. ' I have a big client in America. There
have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her
daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view
window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled
countenance always carried the same cryptic look.The phone began to ring
again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the
awkward silence.

Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The
old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered
her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important
or 'networking',Chinese ones being easily forgotten. 'Oh no, I can't
see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to
the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'

Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly
it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her
mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats
will be reeking of joss sticks!' The old woman pursed her lips
tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defense.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard.
It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's
roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her
unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her
business suit and stilettos and re-applied her lipstick as she made
her brisk way to her mother's side. 'Ma, I'll wait outside. I
have an important phone call to make,'she said, not bothering to hide
her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a
joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar
daily prayer to the Gods. Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my
daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have
given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could
possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help
her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been
blessed; she isengaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man (redhead
man - "white man"). Her company is now the top financial firm and
even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You
have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be
merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while
reaping the harvest of success. What you see is not true,
she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house
and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect
her happiness.A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old
mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in
her eyes.Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted
the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes.
She bowed once more.

The old woman had been praying for her daughter for
thirty-two years.
When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to
the temple and prayed that it was a son. Then the time was ripe and
the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat
thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had
kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work
or carry the family name. Still, the woman returned to the temple
with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and
prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything
she ever wanted.Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter
would never have to depend on a man.

She prayed every day that her daughter would be a
great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never
become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her
mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men.
When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out
and men would listen. She will not be like me, the woman prayed as
she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a
language she scarcely understood.

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl,
to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned.
She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no
Chinese word for it. Now her daughter was too clever for her and the
old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had
been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success
that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she
stood, faceless,with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors
by only a string of origami bank notes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her
wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth,
access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found
true happiness.The old woman knew that you could find happiness with
much less.When her daughter left the earth everything she had
would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that
she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows
over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions. The
old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and
prayers for her
daughter; now she had only one want: That her
daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate.
She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow
furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman
thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and
spread out a packet of bee-hoon in front of the altar. Her
daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she
pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her

But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of
wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every
day of her life.Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols
she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her
daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her,
an empty soulless shell at the altar. The old lady watched
her joss tick.The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was
on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in
resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual.
Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and
wonder why they cannot find it. Her joss stick disintegrated into a
soft grey powder.

She met her daughter outside the temple, the same
look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An
empty _expression,as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants
looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness. They
climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove
along the highway,this time not as fast as she had done before.

'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to
put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move
out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we
managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd
prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one
in Orchard Road.Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid
of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...' The old woman
nodded knowingly.

Bee Choo swallowed hard. ' We'd get someone to come
in to do the housework and we can eat out-but once the maid is
gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully
lonely at home and,besides that, the apartment is rather small. There
won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the
best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near
Hougang - it's a Christian home, a very nice one.' The old woman did
not raise an eyebrow. 'I've been there, the matron is willing to
take you in.It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to
keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be
happier there.'

'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter
repeated as if to affirm herself. This time the old woman had no
plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and
fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who
did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting
her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view
window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'

What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said
firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she
added more quietly. 'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there.
You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your
things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item
off her agenda.

I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled
widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would
make her happier.She had thought about it. It seemed the only
hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had
everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career,
Love, Power and now,Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned
ways to weigh her down...Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently,
she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to
ear. 'Stocks 10% increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to
look up for her...

And while searching for the meaning of life in the
luminance of her handphone screen, the old woman in the backseat
became invisible, and she did not see the tears!

Friday, November 05, 2004


I had enjoyable evening yesterday laughing,eating and laughing some more.Happy birthday to you,Joanne my laughing kaki. ^-^ But,I'm so bloated today.......indigestion.I'm so fat now.

Had a comment from a friend about my blog.Had me thinking.But, seriously, if you don't like what I write, you don't have to force yourself to come to my blog yknow.I think it takes a lot of courage to write personal thoughts and it doesn't feel nice when someone comments negatively on that.Call me sensitive,well,I am!

My so-called study break will come to an end by tuesday.Then,there will be public holiday here and there(Deepavali and Raya)I'm quite looking forward to the camp this thursday as a facilitator.Not really into meeting new ppl,but rather,doing something good, renewing my "faith"so-called.Helping out,maybe in the kitchen,mopping or whatever.The most important thing is,being able to listen to talks and yeaa....reflections.

Was hesitant at first...laziness actually.But,apart from meeting friends,this is the next best place I would want to spend my holiday.Out from the everyday hustle and bustle,commitment to doing this and that,fussing over work-all these mundane things.Someplace to seek peace. :)
Time-out. ^_^

Oh,last tuesday ,2nd November was mom's bday.Bro had her accompanied the whole day despite having to work at the same time and hearsay,got into trouble for doing tat!That's so cool.
Mmm.somehow,I'm in such a writing mood today.

Oh, I've been thinking of a lot of ppl yesterday and today as well.I wish all well...hope they get my 'message'. May you all be extremely well and happy in whatever you are doing!!! May you find peace within and know that I really wish u well?lol.May you find strength and determination in living and continue to find and love that rare beauty in LIFE itself. Maybe when I'm really in very very 'high energy' level, I'll transmit some to all!LOLLLLLLLL.............................during camp maybe.

mm..okay, I shld stop writing now. Back to my next chapter for revision. Think I'll write some more later when I finish next few chapter. This is best time to write........when i'm happy.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Move on

I'm tired of hoping,waiting,thinking, dreaming........

Possibilities are endless and I want to put an end to things too.

Thanks Charissa for such wonderful heaven-sent conversation with you yesterday evening.